No cocktails, just how to write a crappy article that serves no purpose

By: Daniel Adams


So many macs

I recently published my first article in my career as a content marketer.  I am also writing my MBA thesis on how to market and promote a website without paying for advertising.

The trouble is, no-one read it. Then I realized, I have no idea what I’m doing. Which made me think: if people should write what they know, I should do exactly that.

Cue: How to write a crappy article that serves no purpose.

  • Start with a snappy headline about something random and unrelated. Then use CSS to hide it. This way, they’ll have to look at the source code (Ctrl + u) to find your heading; wickedly clever!
  • Entice the reader by offering advice such as “5 different ways to wash your balls”. Then don’t mention any of these five things anywhere in the post.
  • Don’t spell check. God made you perfictly. If you haven’t learned how to spell and you have the vocabulary of a dyslexic immigrant, then this was your destiny. Don’t question destiny.
  • Repeat the keyword of your piece until that word sounds funny to say out loud. If you are writing about cocktails, just insert the word “cocktail” sporadically into each paragraph with no thought as to how it will change the structure of the sentence.
  • Stay on point as little as possible. A great bad article is fleeting and has no structure. The weather is mild. My only surviving grandparent still sends me money in the post. I showered this week. I have reached none of my life goals. My wife's mother costs me great emotional strain. Cocktail.
  • Google loves relevance. But I hear often that they change their algorithm all the time. This means that everybody’s crappy content must find its way to the first page at some point right? What’s an algorithm?
  • Hook your readers in with false promises. Maybe talk about how you went from working at Mcdonalds to earning over $10,000 a week doing nothing but stealing from your parents' savings account. And you can too. Here’s how!
  • Use words you yourself don’t understand. Nobody is loved more than pretentious humans. The grandiloquent being endeavored to use non-platitudinous locutions for their manuscript.
  • Be unengaging, distant and humorless. Be as funny as your partner’s last joke.
  • Research your topic thoroughly for at least five minutes. Then check Facebook to see what other losers are eating today.
  • Write long, unending paragraphs. Remember, you are testing readers patience. By the end you want them to know themselves better; where is their breaking point?
  • Randomly insult millennials for being lazy, boring or too enthusiastic.
  • Use an image that encapsulates your ideas. Many use pictures of MacBooks. How does everyone have a Macbook? They’re ludicrously expensive; how much does a blogger make? I chose a picture of a man who has dyed his beard a strange color but left his eyebrows untouched. He is my hero. I cannot grow a beard. Also, I’d put some money on him writing some well crappy articles.

    (Photo by Christian Shanell on Unsplash)
  • Add multiple “Call to Actions”. Get them to unsubscribe from your mailing list, or to send an email to your boss, saying how you should be fired. Furthermore, add a “donate” button, which does nothing when you click on it.

Ok, your good to go. If you follow my above instructions on how to churn out a nonsense collection of words, you will be back living with your parents in no time. Remember, it's your home too!

This blob of nonsense is loosely inspired by someone who knows how to write a blog post: Writing Cooperative

 


References

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

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