Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. If you are scared of long words, then you are simple. Much like if you have Anatidaephobia: a fear of somewhere, somehow a duck watching you. If these non-things fill any part of your day then you simply have too much free time. Can a duck see you in a dark, secluded room? No? So go there, be quiet, and slowly wait for your unnecessary existence to gradually end.
If you suffer from Panphobia (the fear of everything), then you are really screwed! There is just no escape. What’s that? A pencil; ahhhhhh! Who’s on the phone? No one; ahhhhhh!
What’s that cocktail? A Kamikaze: oooooh!
A Kamikaze cocktail has three ingredients. Not scary in the slightest! All three liquids come in exactly the same quantity (3cl each of vodka, triple sec and lime juice): great for the OCD type. And it comes with a slice or twist of lime on the side. Ahhhhhh!
The question “What does the Japanese word 'kamikaze' literally mean?”, was a £500,000 question on Who wants to be a millionaire in 2000. The answer was of course: “No one cares”.
If I had to choose which phobia I could have, I would make one up! I now have fooku-fooku-fookuphobia: a fear a of fookus.
Curing all problems!
If you have a phobia that has not yet been officially recognised, please contact me and I will make it a reality. I am not sure how many people have to be troubled by something for it to become an official phobia, but I will start scaring people with it until The Oxford Dictionary adds it to its book.
It has been scientifically proven that most phobias can successfully be treated by slowly exposing yourself to that thing. So if you happen to have Tiganopsomophobia (fear of pancakes), then simply punch yourself in the face until it really hurts, then eat a pancake.
Maybe squeeze some lemon juice and sprinkle some brown sugar over it, or, if you’re American, drown it with maple syrup and wait for insulin problems to arise in your body. Also, don’t forget to have a Kamikaze cocktail as it was the point of this article.
All the best.